


Desperation

by cherrypinup



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Angst, But then all the sex, M/M, it all works out in the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-16
Updated: 2015-01-16
Packaged: 2018-03-07 20:05:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3181418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherrypinup/pseuds/cherrypinup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The pain of loss can bring us to do things we'd not do normally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"...and in local news, an accident in the F building of the Carter studio has claimed the life of actor Elijah Wood."

The car swerves for a moment before I am able to regain control. I couldn't have heard that right. Turning the radio up, I find that they've moved on to another story. I pull over to the side of the road.

This can't be right. Not Elijah. I pick up my cell phone and dial but he's not answering. It goes right to voicemail and start yelling into it, knowing that I'm starting to panic. Not him. No.

When the phone clicks off, I throw it to the floor and make a u-turn. I'm only about twenty minutes from his house and I need to see. I need to know. Surely I'll know when I'm there.

~*~*~*

I don't know what happened or where the time went. Last thing I remember is turning around. Now I'm sitting in my car, half up on his lawn. His lights aren't on. No. No! God.

"Open up Elijah! Open the door!!"

Okay, it happened again. How the hell did I get to here from the front seat of the car? God, I don't care.

"Let me in! Please? Please!" I know I'm sobbing. I can't seem to catch my breath. This can't be happening.

I hear someone leaving the main house, and from far off there's a woman's voice calling my name. I can't look away from the door though. I just need him to open...

"...up, let me in!! Now, Frodo. This isn't funny!"

God, please! Don't...

"...touch me! Not you. Him. Lijah."

There are more voices. They're all talking too loud, not loud enough. I can't hear anything. It's too much.

I have a pain in my chest and I can't draw enough breath. My fist hurts and I see that the side is turning purple. Weird. I keep pounding. Eventually he'll stop doing this and let...

"Me! In!"

 

She left, and I don't know when. Someone is still here. They've been tugging on me for a while, but I can't leave this door. Can't let them take me away until I know he's here. He's here.

 

I'm on my back on the grass. Someone's standing over me. I think they put me here. My hands hurt. My head hurts. I look up, but I can't see who it is because my eyes are all blurry.

"Oh, god. Please! He can't be...please!"

He's still talking. His voice has gotten louder and a bit shrill. I still don't know what he's saying. Nothing makes sense.

He leans forward to pull me up. I make it to my knees before everything comes back. I can see, but I know I'm not seeing right. He's right here. It's him.

I wrap my arms around his waist and hold him to me with all my strength. I knew he wouldn't leave me.

"Sean. Sean! C'mon, you're hurting me!" I hear him; I just can't let go. "Sam." He says it softly and the fact that I'm squeezing him too hard penetrates my brain. I can't let go, but I can loosen my hold. Just a bit. He takes a deep breath.

"C'mon. Let's go inside."

I nod, but I still can't make myself let go. Instead I stand, keeping my arms around his waist. He lets out a huff of surprise before wrapping his arms and legs around me, letting me carry him. It's not easy, and I stagger for a moment, but nothing can make me put him down.

It doesn't take long for us to reach his door again. He turns the knob and I find it was unlocked the whole time. I shake my head and push open the door.

Once we're inside, I turn to close the door and find that I can't hold us up anymore. I lean him against the wall and we just stay there for a while. It's a bit awkward, as I still won't put him down, but he's not complaining. He just stays in my arms, petting my back, letting me hold him.

"I...you were..." I know I should tell him what that was all about but now I'm more than a bit embarrassed. God, his mother must think I've lost my mind.

"Shh. It's okay. I'm not dead. We've had a few calls and I was trying to reach you. You didn't answer your cell. The radio made an error. It's going to be okay."

He's planting small kisses on the top of my head and holding me to his chest. I can't seem to stop shaking. I don't want to move but a part of me still needs to see him. To look in to his eyes and know.

At this angle, his head is a couple of inches above mine. He looks perfectly comfortable being held against the wall, though his eyes are sad. His hands are still gentling over my hair and ears. He leans forward and plants kisses on my forehead.

"We're okay, now. It's all right." He comforts me in that cultured voice. Like Frodo comforting Sam, is all I can think. It should be the other way around.

I know my eyes must be clearing a bit because he gives me a small smile and I'm grateful. He nods his head towards the floor but I still can't seem to put him down. I shake my head. After a moment he smiles again and, wrapping his hands around my head, pulls me up a bit and plants a chaste kiss on my lips.

When he pulls away I follow him up and kiss him back. He leans forward again but pulls back quickly with a questioning look on his face. I lick my lips to taste him and his eyes follow the action. Before I can think twice, I slide his body down just a little and kiss him again. This time, it's not chaste.

When I slide my tongue across his lips he moans into my mouth, opening himself to me. I can feel the moan throughout my body, like a fire raging through my veins. The pain in my chest is still there but it feels different. Not so much like loss.

His hands slide around my shoulders and his legs squeeze around my waist, pulling us as close as possible. The feel of him moving and pressing against me is making my head spin. I want to rip his clothes off and slide inside his skin.

He starts squeezing in a rhythm, which I pick up, and soon we're grinding against each other. His tongue is so hot in my mouth and the hands scrabbling and pulling at my shirt are driving me crazy. I can't hold out much longer.

He pulls against me and manages to slide himself up about an inch and we have contact. I realize that it's a good thing we're nearly the same height when our cocks rub together at just the right angle. That's my last coherent thought before we go at each other in a frenzy.

I have to pull back from his mouth when I can't suck in air fast enough. I start to lick at his neck just before I lose it. I bite his neck when I come apart. A moment later, he's shaking in my arms and his head is thudding against the wall before dropping to my shoulder.

We stay there, his body wrapped around mine, for a few minutes. Eventually he leans back enough so we can look at each other. For a moment I'm afraid to meet his eyes but I steel myself and look up.

He looks softer around the edges and flushed. He's beautiful. But then, I always knew that. He gives me a gentle smile before kissing me softly. I return the kiss, putting the rest of the world off for just a while longer.

 

Eventually he slides down my body. I'm still holding him close and he doesn't push me away but my mind is racing as the impact of what's just happened hits me. After ten years of marriage, I've just cheated on my wife.

I step back and push Elijah away from me. He takes one look at my face and turns away. He knows what I'm thinking; he's always been able to read me. I'm not sure what's going to happen now but I do know that I've just hurt him by my own thoughtlessness. I feel like shit.

"Lijah..."

"Don't. Just don't say anything."

I can hear the pain in his voice. I've just fucked up one of the most important relationships in my life and I'm not sure what I can do about it. I turn and go in to his bathroom to clean up.

I take my time before going out to face him. I know he'll be waiting on the other side of the door so I can't play the coward anymore. With one last glance in the mirror, I brace myself and walk out.

He's completely composed. I'm not sure if that surprises me or not. He's a marvelous actor and could probably bluff through anything; he's just never used that against me before. I probably deserve worse but I really hope we can repair 'us' before it's too late. I'm just not sure how.

He flinches when I touch his shoulder. That small crack is enough for me; I know he's not completely closed off.

"I'm..."

"Didn't I tell you not to say anything?" he says and I flinch myself.

"Lijah." He glares but doesn't stop me again. "We need to talk. No, listen to me. I love you, but I also love Christine. She's my wife and we share a life and children together."

The way his eyes lit up for just a moment nearly made it impossible for me to finish that. His shoulders slumped and I felt like kicking myself again.

"I know. I do. I didn't plan for any of this, but I won't regret it." He says with a challenge.

"I don't either," I whisper. At his disbelief, I continue. "I love you, Elijah, and nothing will change that. We are just not meant to have a physical relationship. I'm going to tell Christine. I really hope that this doesn't damage my marriage but we've always been honest with each other and I don't intend to change that.

"I also know I can't have it both ways. I love you and want you but the only way we can be together is without sex. I won't betray my family again. Can you live with that?"

I wait for a tense moment while he pulls himself together. When he looks up at me it's with a smile.

"Yeah. I can."

He leans into me when we hug, squeezing tightly around my waist. If our faces are a little damp, neither of us mentions it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's three months later and they deal with what happened.

I slide my tongue across his lips and he moans into my mouth. His hands slide around my shoulders and his legs squeeze around my waist. I want to rip his clothes off and slide inside his skin. We're grinding against each other. His tongue is so hot in my mouth and the hands scrabbling and pulling at my shirt are driving me crazy. He pulls against me and our cocks rub together at just the right angle. We go at each other in a frenzy. I start to lick at his neck and I bite down when I come. Then he's shaking in my arms and his head is thudding against the wall...and I wake up.

Shit. Some part of me knew this would happen. Just like, I assume, some part of me must have known I felt this way about him. We were close; most would say too close. I always just figured they didn't understand but maybe they did, more than me.

I roll over and look at my wife but she's sleeping peacefully. It's been nearly three months and we're okay. I'm grateful she didn't throw me out on my ass. That first night was not easy but we've worked hard and things are good. I love her and she knows that what we have comes first. She knows that I love him but it won't happen again. I haven't done more than talk to him on the phone a couple of times since.

I haven't dreamed about that day in over a month but I'm not all that surprised it happened today. Elijah and Dom are coming over, invited by Christine. She didn't expect him to disappear, thank god. She wants him and I to heal this rift before it's too late. I don't know if we're supposed to pretend nothing happened or just acknowledge it and move on.

We're having a good old-fashioned cookout. We've got the lawn chairs out, the grill pit ready to be fired. It will be good; I just have to tell myself that. He's my best friend and as destroyed as I feel now, it's worse to imagine the rest of my life without him in it.

I know I'm not going to get any more sleep tonight. I might as well grab a shower, then I can start marinating the meat. The next few hours are going to feel very long.

~*~*~*

"...so then Dom, here, falls over. Right there, in the middle of the room!"

They're both laughing but the only thing I hear is the sound of his voice. He's not self-conscious at all, which is good. I hope he doesn't notice the way I can't seem to stop staring at him. Dom's been shooting me funny looks all day, but it doesn't seem like he's being suspicious. I don't think he knows what happened.

They're sitting together on the ground, in front of the chair I've glued myself to. As they laugh, Elijah throws his arms around Dom and receives a squeeze in return. They look very cute together and it makes me wonder if they are. Together. I feel selfish but I don't know that I could handle that.

"Excuse me for a sec?" I say, heading in to the house. I just need a moment to gather myself. I see their reflections in the glass of the door. Elijah looks sad, maybe a bit hurt, and Dom's confused. I feel like shit again. I should probably just start getting used to it.

Alexandra is in the kitchen with Christine, helping to put together the macaroni salad. I blow her a kiss from the doorway and head out of the room before my wife turns around. I'm not avoiding her. I'm not.

 

I've been sitting on the edge of my bed for a while, not sure quite how long. I saw Christine a while ago. She passed the door and looked in for a moment. I shook my head and she kept walking. She knows me well enough to leave me alone for a while.

I hear a slight shuffle from the doorway and know it's him. I don't know if I wanted him to come find me or not. I knew that he would, but now I'm just not sure what to say.

After a sigh, he walks into the room and kneels in front of me. I have to close my eyes against the image. It's too much to handle when I'm feeling this much.

I can hear Dom outside, playing with Alexandra, and Christine's voice carries from the back yard. We're alone in the house. I want to pull him onto my lap, but I squeeze the edge of the mattress instead.

I tense for a moment when he touches my leg, and have to force myself to relax. This isn't easy for either of us; I don't want to make it worse. I try to hold myself still, waiting to see what he's going to do. I'm hoping that he doesn't force another decision on me right now. I don't think I'd make the right one.

He leans forward, and I hold my breath. I can feel him looking at me, studying me, for a moment before his head settles in my lap. I let out the breath and open my eyes. He's as beautiful as ever, with his eyes closed and his forehead scrunched up a bit, as if in pain. His breath hitches when I touch his forehead, attempting to smooth it out the tension.

"Shhh..." I close my eyes and start running my fingers through my hair. We stay like that for a few minutes before I realize that my pants are getting wet.

"Oh, Lijah." I croak past the lump in my throat. That seems to release him somehow. I hear him sob once before he rises up and starts to back away. I grab his hand before he gets too far and pull him into a hug that he doesn't resist. We cling to each other for a while.

A noise from the hall draws my attention in time to see Christine pulling Alexandra away from the door. I pull him in tighter to me, for just a moment, before holding him out at arms' length.

"We need to talk." He glares at me for a moment and I sigh. "Really talk, Elijah. I can't lose you, not now. I'm sorry I haven't been here for you." He relents and sits on the bed expectantly. "I'll be right back." I step into the hall and find Christine standing outside the door. She doesn't look happy but not angry either.

"Go. Do what you have to. We'll be outside," is all she says before turning to go.

I stand there, trying to gather my thoughts. I know she's not giving me permission to sleep with him. She wants us to work this out as much as we do and I love her all the more for it. I close the door behind me when I head back in.

"I'm sorry too," he says before I've even started. "This wasn't all on you. There were two of us this whole time. I could have called or come by."

The expression on his face shows how much this has hurt him. We've both been out of sorts and I just let him go through this all by himself. I remember the reason I came in here in the first place and have to wonder if he really has gone through it alone.

"Let's start at the beginning then." I feel stupid but it's the only thing I can think of to say. I sit at the head of the bed and he turns to face me from the foot. "You know how I feel about you?" He nods. "Good. Don't ever doubt that, okay? I don't want to dwell on 'if things were different'. They're not and that's just the facts.

"We nearly lived out of each others' pockets for well over a year, and in that time we got very close. I miss that. I'd like to think that one moment of desperation won't kill us." We both watch his fingers as he picks at a loose thread in the quilt before he looks up at me.

"I know. I guess we got a little uncomfortable and let that get in the way. I've told you I love you on more than a few occasions. It's never made either of us cringe before. Heck, I tell Dom out there all the time..."

I couldn't hide the wince because of the way he said that. It was so casual; it was unexpected. I know he means it the way we all do. I think.

"Sean, look at me." His voice is hard and I'm almost afraid, but I'm no coward. I look up and see understanding on his face. Great, just what I need. Now I'm the pervy old married man who won't let go.

"So that's why you came in here? You ran away because you think Dommie and me...?" He trails off with a snort. His eyes look anything but amused. "We can't be together, Sean. That's clear. You can't expect me to wait around for you to change your mind."

I know that. Really, I do. I just didn't expect to be confronted with it this soon. "I'm sorry."

He moves up to sit next to me, putting his arm around my shoulder. "C'mon. Really. Do you see him and me together? I don't think I could keep up. Really, I don't. I'm not ready now, but someday I will be. I like to think that you'll be happy for me when that day comes."

I think about it for a moment, wondering what exactly it is that was bothering me. "I do want you to be happy, Elijah, more than anything. I guess I was just being selfish. If you couldn't stand to be around me, I didn't want you to find happiness with someone else." I turn my head. "Forgive me?"

He gives me a bright smile and says, "Always."

"I have a feeling we'll go through some bumps, but I think it's worth it. C'mon. Let's go join the party." We get up off the bed but before I cross the room, he pulls me into a tight hug.

"I love you, my friend."

"I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally updated on 2/15/02. Edited to post here.
> 
> You can find me at [Dark Side of Fixtion](http://darksideoffition.tumblr.com/).

**Author's Note:**

> If you've already read it, you know Elijah doesn't really die. If not, well you're spoiled now, might as well read it. 8^)
> 
> You can find me at [Dark Side of Fixtion](http://darksideoffixtion.tumblr.com/).


End file.
